life update

i haven’t been on this website for ages, only checking in every now and then (welcome to the world prince louis), because of the severe burnout i got mid november. 

i’m still recovering, but everything slowly gets back to normal. i’ve lived with my parents until the new year, felt better, then had my first therapy session and then CRASHED FOR REAL. like seriously i was too weak to do my own grocery shopping – i’d legit faint in the aisles. reason for this relapse was that my unconcious had held it together until that first therapy session, when there was a load lifted from my shoulders because i finally got professional help.

so when i was recovering from THAT some really, and then i mean really nasty stuff happened with the school i work at and with the colleague who harassed me. he insulted every fiber of my and my family’s being, basically saying he wouldn’t stop harassing me because he did that in the 1970′s and nobody made a hassle. also saying i could only study at uni because my father paid for it and didn’t have to work for it like he did. i could go on and on and on about every insult he made but in the end he got a ‘’one more strike and your out’’ from my boss (the headmaster). 

now talking is resumed and we have to work out how to eventually be colleagues again up to the moment he retires (in 2 years). 

(some evil part in me hopes he lashes out again because then he gets fired)

people ask me often ‘’what do you do all day when you’re not working?”’ but lemme tell you recovering from a burnout is mentally and physically demanding. somedays i can’t get out of bed because my body aches all over from shere exhaustion and some days i hike 30km because i feel fit. it’s all about finding the balance so i won’t have four ‘’bad days’’ after one ‘’energy day’’ if you get what i mean. 

i read a lot. i hike a lot. i do a LOT of self-care – scented candles, gentle yoga, thinking positive thought, being grateful for everything and everyone in my life (because at your lowest points you know who your real friends are).

i have also learned a lot about the person i am, what i need and what i want. turns out i am more spiritual than i thought and nature is a real calming force for me – i’ve always been an outdoorsy person, but hiking in the woods gives me so much ‘’zen’’ and makes me realise how small we all are and that we have to do our best to preserve all the nature. 

what i really want in life is to be a published writer. 

so i’ll keep my job and will resign not because of the bad colleague (because i don’t think it’s ME who should leave after what HE did) but I will resign when it is right for me to do so. i will work less hours when i get back to work so i have more time to put into my writing. 

i have also realised i am much, much, MUCHMUCH happier and more at ease when i cut out social media. i have deleted facebook, been absent from tumblr for 6 months and haven’t missed checking the app constantly one bit. 

i had to learn that for me using social media equalled STRESS and stress needed to be cut out from my life for as much as possible. i think i will use tumblr from now on as a kinda scrapbook of my life, something i can look back on and remember what i did or how i felt. like a diary of sorts. i will not delete, because i love talking to my friends on here. 

so this has turned out to be a bit of a ramble but bottom line is i know myself much better, know what i want and need from life to be happy and content and each day will be a day closer to full recovery.

don’t be afraid to reach out if you want, because it’s not like i don’t want to talk about it – i just think i shouldn’t publish all the sordid details but if you come off anon i’m happy to chat with you! 

i sound like a zenmaster or yogainstructor but the truth is my mind is at ease right now – and that’s what i need. then i can really enjoy the little things and see the bigger picture.